Reporting concerns
Warning
Contact your GWUSRP liaison immediately if your wildebeest:
- Attempts to order takeaway without supervision
- Develops opinions about the Royal Family
- Begins hoarding Freddos
- Shows interest in becoming an estate agent
- Uses phrases like “circle back” or “touch base”
- Starts a blog about British culture
- Attempts to apply for a mortgage or Tesco Clubcard
For wildebeest attempting to use Deliveroo, call 999 and ask for the Wildebeest Division.
‘I have been doing this job since the initial Displacement intake,’ says Hilary Tomkinson. ‘In that time I have seen a wildebeest learn to use a microwave, a wildebeest form what I can only describe as an emotional bond with a garden gnome, and a wildebeest that appeared to be running a small book-keeping business from a shed in Kettering. Nothing surprises me now. I am, however, still disappointed by the microwave incident.’
Previous integration incidents
| Incident | Year | Outcome |
|---|---|---|
| Nando’s loyalty card fraud (Croydon) | 2023 | 7 stamps accumulated before detection. Cost to taxpayers: £1.7 million. Three Cabinet resignations. |
| Central Line boarding during rush hour | 2022 | Minor delays. One mildly startled commuter, later described as “more confused than frightened.” |
| Manchester United pitch invasion | 2023 | The club has been issued a restraining order. We are legally unable to discuss the matter further. |
| Unsupervised skiing holiday (Chamonix) | 2024 | The wildebeest was not consulted and has since refused to discuss the matter. |
| Post-Displacement garden fence coordination failure (Rotherham) | 2023 | Four wildebeest escaped into neighbouring properties through a fence described by the Integration Officer as ‘adequate in theory, entirely theoretical in practice.’ All four returned voluntarily. One brought a neighbour’s washing in. |
| Waterstones event disruption (Cheltenham) | 2024 | A Phase 2 wildebeest attended a book club meeting uninvited and expressed strong opinions about the ending of ‘Lessons in Chemistry.’ The book club has since disbanded. The wildebeest has not. |
| Displacement intake accommodation error (Dewsbury) | 2023 | Three wildebeest were delivered to a two-bedroom terraced house instead of the intended agricultural unit 200 metres away. By the time the error was identified, the wildebeest had settled in, rearranged the living room, and appeared genuinely comfortable. The homeowners described it as ‘not ideal but not our worst Tuesday.’ A retrospective Phase 1 assessment was granted. |