Wildebeest Rights Act 2023

An Act to make provision about the rights of wildebeest in the United Kingdom, and for connected purposes. Royal Assent granted 19 July 2023.

Key provisions

Section 1 — Right to adequate grazing

Every wildebeest has the right to access grazing of sufficient quality and quantity. “Sufficient” is defined as “enough to maintain the wildebeest in a condition that a reasonable person would describe as ‘not hungry.’”

Section 2 — Right to quality television

Every wildebeest has the right to access at least one television channel. The Department recommends BBC One. The wildebeest may express preferences. Preferences are not binding but are “noted with interest.”

Section 3 — Right to be addressed by government designation

Wildebeest must be addressed by their government-assigned designation (e.g., “WB-2024-0451”). Names are not permitted. This follows the Horny McHornface Incident of March 2023, in which a host in Bracknell submitted the name “Horny McHornface” to the Department’s online portal. The name was approved by an automated system before a human intervened. The host was informed that the system had been “temporarily overenthusiastic.”

Section 4 — Right to quiet enjoyment

Wildebeest are entitled to quiet enjoyment of their allocated grazing area. Hosts must not: play loud music after 9pm (the wildebeest consider this “inconsiderate”), operate power tools within 20 metres of the wildebeest’s designated area, or host garden parties without giving the wildebeest 48 hours’ notice.

Section 5 — Right to veterinary care

All veterinary care is provided by the Department. Hosts must not attempt to treat the wildebeest themselves. A host in Rotherham attempted to administer a home remedy for “a mild cough” and the wildebeest now has a standing appointment with a specialist in Edinburgh.

Section 6 — Right to complain

Wildebeest may register complaints through their allocated Meerkat Liaison Officer. Complaints are reviewed within 28 days. Historically, complaints have related to: insufficient grazing, poor television reception, being observed by the neighbour’s cat, and “a general sense of unease about the garden shed.”

Section 7 — Naming provisions

Added by emergency amendment following the Horny McHornface Incident. All naming is now managed centrally by the Wildebeest Naming Board. The Board meets quarterly. Appeals are heard annually. Horny McHornface was retroactively renamed WB-2023-0287. The host was not informed until they received a letter addressed to the new name.