Phases of integration
Wildebeest are introduced to your property in four phases. You must complete each phase before progressing. The Department will assess your readiness at each stage.
| Phase | Description | Duration | Herd size |
|---|---|---|---|
| Phase 1 | Initial introduction of a single wildebeest to assess compatibility with your household | 4 to 6 weeks | 1 |
| Phase 2 | Introduction of 2 to 3 additional wildebeest following successful adaptation | 6 to 8 weeks | 3 to 4 |
| Phase 3 | Gradual scaling to a small herd, the minimum recommended for proper wildebeest social dynamics | 12 weeks | 5 to 8 |
| Phase 4 | Optional expansion to a full herd for properties with adequate space and strong tea supplies | Ongoing | 10 to 15 |
Phase 1: what to expect
During Phase 1, a single wildebeest (identified by their government designation, e.g. WB-47291) will be delivered to your property by the GWUSRP logistics team. Deliveries take place between 8am and 6pm. The wildebeest may take up to 3 days to leave the transport vehicle. This is normal.
Your wildebeest will have completed the mandatory Cultural Integration Programme prior to delivery. This includes British cultural immersion modules developed in partnership with the BBC, Waitrose, and a pub in Gloucester that everyone says is haunted.
You should not attempt to rename your wildebeest. Government designations are protected under the Ungulate Dignity Act 2024. Attempting to assign informal names, particularly “Horny McHornface” or any variation thereof, constitutes a Section 7 offence and may result in the wildebeest being removed from your care.
Phase 2: introducing additional wildebeest
If your initial wildebeest has settled in successfully, the Department will schedule a compatibility assessment. A second wildebeest will be brought to your property for a supervised introduction. Do not be alarmed if they ignore each other for the first 72 hours. This is standard wildebeest social protocol and does not indicate a failed introduction.
‘The most common mistake new hosts make is treating Phase 2 like a playdate,’ says Programme Liaison Hilary Tomkinson. ‘It is not a playdate. It is a carefully structured integration between two government assets who happen to be large mammals. Also, do not put out biscuits. Phase 2 biscuits must be issued by the Department.’
By the end of Phase 2, your wildebeest should be comfortable sharing a living room. Minor furniture displacement is expected. If a wildebeest has claimed the sofa entirely, this is a sign of healthy territorial confidence and should be documented in your Integration Progress Form under ‘domestic spatial assertion.’
Phase 3: establishing the herd
Phase 3 is where most post-Displacement hosts find their rhythm. With 5 to 8 wildebeest now on the property, a genuine social hierarchy begins to form. One wildebeest will typically emerge as the dominant presence. This is usually the one who has worked out how to operate the television remote.
‘The thing people don’t expect about Phase 3 is the noise,’ notes Hilary Tomkinson. ‘Not grunting. That’s Phase 1. Phase 3 noise is low, continuous, and consensus-based. It sounds like a committee meeting held in a cave. We have received noise complaints from as far as 400 metres away. We have also received complaints from neighbours who say the grunting has stopped and they find the silence more disturbing.’
By Phase 3, your property will be visited fortnightly by a GWUSRP Integration Officer. They will assess herd dynamics, tea quality, and biscuit supply levels. They will also check that Channel 5 has not been accessed. They have ways of knowing.
Phase 4: full herd deployment
Phase 4 is available to properties with adequate outdoor space and a demonstrated history of successful wildebeest hosting. Your property will be reclassified as a Temporary Ungulate Accommodation Unit (TUAU).
- Garden maintenance costs decrease significantly as the herd manages its own grazing
- Noise levels increase proportionally with herd size
- The weekly stipend increases to £127 per herd (not per wildebeest, despite what you were told at the information session)
- Your property may be featured in the annual GWUSRP progress report, which is submitted to Parliament
- You may be visited by schools, community groups, and occasionally a confused drone from the Civil Aviation Authority