joel2.com — Register of Works
REGISTER OF WORKS
joel2.com
An independent register of works, filed for the record by Joel. Maintained in the north of England, without a board of directors, against the advice of several people.
MOST RECENT FILING
Filed feasibility study Entry 014 FIREPROOF CAT A materials feasibility study into whether the domestic cat can be engineered so as not to constitute an ignition hazard, and at what point it ceases to be a cat. Prepared by the Hadrian Institute, Nuneaton, for an insurer that would like to stop excluding it from cover. The skeleton is fine. Everything else is on fire. THE REGISTER
Entries are listed in reverse order of filing. Numbering is absolute.
- 013
Filed whitepaper GPT/86 A Turing-complete processor built from an LLM and two API endpoints. Five billion times slower than silicon. It costs ~$5,700 to boot Linux and the calculator sometimes returns 404s. Series A at $40M. - 012
Filed product launch THE NEW DOG We reimagined the dog from the ground up. Fewer features. Lower cost. Available in three models: dog SE, dog, and dog Pro. The dog SE has two legs. This is a design choice. Four legs are available on dog and dog Pro, or as an optional accessory. - 011
Filed wealth management CRESTBRIDGE PRIVATE Your family office in Changsha. A real desk. A real ayi. Your name on the door. She is doing something on the computer. No one asks what. Silver, Gold, or Platinum — the fruit gets better and the Solitaire goes pro. - 010
Filed wellness brand CIGARETTES The plant-based vaping alternative. No batteries. No coils. No charging. No e-waste. Just dried leaves, paper, and fire. Available from shops since 1880. We did not invent it. We merely put it on a white background in a clean sans-serif typeface and called it innovation. - 009
Filed screenplay, unproduced BARRY Doncaster, 1986. A man with a phone, a Yellow Pages, and a list of every radiation monitoring laboratory in Europe. His mam wants him off the phone. - 008
Filed brochure NPRP RETREATS The National Pensioner Relocation Programme. Discover purpose, community, and the vast Siberian wilderness. Your next chapter begins in the forest. One case, 23 kg maximum. No visits. - 007
Filed service GENTLE PAWS A certified therapy dog service providing professional canine-assisted emotional support across the UK. Based in Swindon. Our dogs are selected for their calming presence, their therapeutic intensity, and the sort of eye contact that makes you re-evaluate your entire life. - 006
Filed screenplay, unproduced BOB A builder from Yorkshire answers a phone call he should not have answered. A washer costs 35p. A digger sinks into the earth, and a woman waits for a phone call that will never come. - 005
Filed government service GWUSRP A joint DEFRA initiative. Now operational in select postcodes. Complaints in all of them. Wildebeest available on application. - 004
Filed law firm AMBULANCE CHASERS & SONS A full-service law firm with offices in Woking and the Eastern District of Virginia. No case too small. No sentence too long. - 003
Filed luxury brand VITAL FUR CO. The world's first living-harvest fur company. Free-range bears, pain-free harvesting, and a lifetime care commitment. Certified carbon neutral. From bear to wardrobe in 48 hours. Aurora has given 23 times. She has never once shown reluctance. - 002
Filed changelog JOEL 2.0 — RELEASE NOTES Comprehensive release notes for the second major version of Joel. Covers breaking changes, deprecated features (knees, metabolism), known issues, and the EULA you agreed to by scrolling this far. - 001
Filed conspiracy THE LAIKA CONSPIRACY She is still up there. She has had a lot of time to think. She has opinions about the euro. She thinks she may have left the iron on.
— end of register —