joel2.com — Register of Works
REGISTER OF WORKS
joel2.com
An independent register of works, filed for the record by Joel.
Consultation log · opened — · items examined: 0
CURRENTLY EXHIBITED
Filed product launch Entry 011 THE NEW DOG We reimagined the dog from the ground up. Fewer features. Lower cost. Available in three models: dog SE, dog, and dog Pro. The dog SE has two legs. This is a design choice. Four legs are available on dog and dog Pro, or as an optional accessory. This filing has been moved to the display case. Its catalogue entry is retained below, for the record. Filed at the author's insistence under 'product launch'. The register does not adjudicate product categories.
See also: fig. 006 THE REGISTER
Entries are listed in reverse order of filing. Numbering is absolute. The most recent filing is fig. 018.
- 018
Filed water treatment PÜRGE An inline cartridge for the cold water tap, developed in Malmö, dosing pharmaceutical-grade sodium hydroxide into the cold feed at 40 days per 200 litres. The water industry has spent fifty years asking what is in your water. PÜRGE asked what your water does. Your pipes stay behind. They stay behind clean. The output is incidental. - 017
Filed correspondence file BEECHWOOD COURT Eight emails and two annexes concerning a fire door at Flat 11, Beechwood Court, Wistow Avenue, Burnley — a flat the correspondent has never owned, visited, or been within eighty miles of. Every correction is logged as engagement. The register was updated to reflect this. The leaseholder's details were verified by method of correspondence. Fob 0031 remains outstanding. - 016
Filed freight forwarding MERIDIAN FREIGHT SOLUTIONS We ship to China. Door-to-door personal effects consolidation, sea freight by the cubic metre, and a single destination market serviced from Unit 7, Carrside Industrial Estate, Doncaster. Onward transit within China is facilitated by our trusted local partners. Our trusted local partners are Wayne. Onward transit within China is the consignee's responsibility. - 015
Filed feasibility study FIREPROOF CAT A materials feasibility study into whether the domestic cat can be engineered so as not to constitute an ignition hazard, and at what point it ceases to be a cat. Prepared by the Hadrian Institute, Nuneaton, for an insurer that would like to stop excluding it from cover. The skeleton is fine. Everything else is on fire. Cross-references two other filings. The register considers this excessive but has allowed it.
See also: fig. 007, fig. 004 - 014
Filed news report HULL DAILY EXAMINER A 16-year-old from west Hull is in a serious but stable condition in hospital after attempting to swing between buildings on a web-like filament he had himself produced. The web held. His hands did not. A full clinical account appears in the BMJ. The Home Secretary has been asked for comment. The Home Secretary has not commented. - 013
Filed conspiracy THE LAIKA CONSPIRACY She is still up there. She has had a lot of time to think. She has opinions about the euro. She thinks she may have left the iron on. Forwarded more often than it is read, and usually without context. The subject has been notified via decommissioned channels.
See also: fig. 003 - 012
Filed whitepaper GPT/86 A Turing-complete processor built from an LLM and two API endpoints. Five billion times slower than silicon. It costs ~$5,700 to boot Linux and the calculator sometimes returns 404s. Series A at $40M. Cited in no peer-reviewed literature. - 011 THE NEW DOG On display. See above.
- 010
Filed wealth management CRESTBRIDGE PRIVATE Your family office in Changsha. A real desk. A real ayi. Your name on the door. She is doing something on the computer. No one asks what. Silver, Gold, or Platinum — the fruit gets better and the Solitaire goes pro. Translated into English from a language the register has been unable to identify.
See also: fig. 003 - 009
Filed wellness brand CIGARETTES The plant-based vaping alternative. No batteries. No coils. No charging. No e-waste. Just dried leaves, paper, and fire. Available from shops since 1880. We did not invent it. We merely put it on a white background in a clean sans-serif typeface and called it innovation. Carries its own health warning. - 008
Filed screenplay, unproduced BARRY Doncaster, 1986. A man with a phone, a Yellow Pages, and a list of every radiation monitoring laboratory in Europe. His mam wants him off the phone. Filed in the hope that someone would verify the events described. To date, no one has. - 007
Filed brochure NPRP RETREATS The National Pensioner Relocation Programme. Discover purpose, community, and the vast Siberian wilderness. Your next chapter begins in the forest. One case, 23 kg maximum. No visits. Withdrawn from two registries before this one. The reasons are not on record.
See also: fig. 015 - 006
Filed service GENTLE PAWS A certified therapy dog service providing professional canine-assisted emotional support across the UK. Based in Swindon. Our dogs are selected for their calming presence, their therapeutic intensity, and the sort of eye contact that makes you re-evaluate your entire life. Filed without the knowledge or consent of our insurers, who have since stopped returning calls.
See also: fig. 011 - 005
Filed screenplay, unproduced BOB A builder from Yorkshire answers a phone call he should not have answered. A washer costs 35p. A digger sinks into the earth, and a woman waits for a phone call that will never come. Filed with redactions requested by a party who was not named and did not ask. - 004
Filed government service GWUSRP A joint DEFRA initiative. Now operational in select postcodes. Complaints in all of them. Wildebeest available on application. Companion filings exist. The register has declined to list them in full.
See also: fig. 015 - 003
Filed law firm AMBULANCE CHASERS & SONS A full-service law firm with offices in Woking and the Eastern District of Virginia. No case too small. No sentence too long. Subject to a formal removal request from the Eastern District of Virginia. The request itself has been filed.
See also: fig. 013, fig. 010 - 002
Filed luxury brand VITAL FUR CO. The world's first living-harvest fur company. Free-range bears, pain-free harvesting, and a lifetime care commitment. Certified carbon neutral. From bear to wardrobe in 48 hours. Aurora has given 23 times. She has never once shown reluctance. Removed from three platforms at the request of parties the register is not at liberty to name. - 001
Filed changelog JOEL 2.0 — RELEASE NOTES Comprehensive release notes for the second major version of Joel. Covers breaking changes, deprecated features (knees, metabolism), known issues, and the EULA you agreed to by scrolling this far. The only filing concerning the filer. The register has noted the conflict of interest.
— end of register —