Terms and conditions

These terms and conditions govern your use of the Government Wildebeest Urban and Suburban Relocation Programme. By continuing to read this page, you have already agreed to Clause 3.

Key terms

“The Department”	means the Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Wildebeest
“The Programme”	means the Government Wildebeest Urban and Suburban Relocation Programme
“Wildebeest”	means any government-issued wildebeest assigned to your care
“You”	means the person reading this, yes, you
“Reasonable”	means whatever the Department decides is reasonable at the time

Your obligations

• You must provide adequate grazing, shelter, and access to quality television
• You must not name the wildebeest (following the Horny McHornface Incident, naming is now managed centrally)
• You must not teach the wildebeest regional dialect phrases
• You must not enter the wildebeest in any competition without Departmental approval
• You must not use the wildebeest for “visibility purposes” at traffic incidents
• You must brew tea using the method specified in your application. Deviation from this method will result in a review.

The Department’s obligations

• We will provide a wildebeest suitable for your property and garden
• We will provide a Phase 1 welcome pack (includes a brush, a guide, and a set of earplugs rated for wildebeest grunting)
• We will respond to concerns within 28 days unless the concern is deemed “uninteresting”
• We will not watch you through your webcam. We have the meerkats for that.

Termination

Either party may terminate this arrangement with 30 days’ notice. The wildebeest will be collected by the Department in a van. You may not collect the wildebeest yourself. You may not follow the van. The van will not stop if you wave.