Frequently asked questions
What if my wildebeest won't stop watching Love Island?
This indicates successful cultural integration and should be documented in your weekly progress report. If the wildebeest begins expressing strong opinions about contestants' relationships, award bonus integration points under Section 9.2 of the assessment framework.
Can I name my wildebeest?
No. All wildebeest have designated government names and registration numbers. Your wildebeest's details will be provided via SMS. Attempting to rename your wildebeest is a violation of Section 7 of the Ungulate Dignity Act 2024.
What about damage to my property?
Property damage coverage is included under Section 12B of your hosting agreement. Claims are processed within 28 working days, or 3 to 5 years if your claim form contains any errors whatsoever. Comprehensive insurance covers everything except damage to IKEA furniture.
My wildebeest has learned to order takeaway. What should I do?
This is extremely concerning. Contact the Wildebeest Division on 999 immediately. Under no circumstances should you allow a wildebeest to create a Deliveroo account. The last unsupervised food ordering incident cost taxpayers £1.7 million and resulted in three resignations from the Cabinet. The wildebeest had ordered seventeen lemon and herb wing platters, a side of garlic bread, and two cheesecakes. It had also left a four-star review. We are still dealing with the diplomatic fallout.
How do I explain my wildebeest to visitors?
The Department recommends introducing your wildebeest as “a distant cousin from Hertfordshire with a medical condition.” If pressed further, change the subject to the weather. Under no circumstances reveal their participation in a government programme. Refer to them as an “eccentric houseguest” or “performance art project” if necessary.
Can my wildebeest use public transport?
Yes, but only during off-peak hours and with a valid Wildebeest Oyster Card (WOC). Wildebeest must travel in the designated Ungulate Carriage, usually the last one. Bus travel requires the driver's explicit permission. The Central Line is prohibited following the 2022 Rush Hour Stampede Incident at Oxford Circus.
My wildebeest has developed a regional accent. Should I be concerned?
This depends entirely on which accent. West Country and Yorkshire accents are acceptable and even charming. Received Pronunciation is ideal. If your wildebeest has developed a Scouse or Essex accent, contact your regional coordinator for immediate dialect intervention.
Can my wildebeest attend my daughter's wedding?
Yes, but only as a “plus one” and not as a primary guest. They must be registered 30 days in advance using Form WB-27B (Social Function Attendance). Wildebeest are notoriously poor at catching bouquets and should be seated away from the cake.
My wildebeest has started correcting my grammar. Is this normal?
This indicates Stage 4 integration, known as Advanced British Pedantry, and should be celebrated. Please submit recordings of corrections for the Department's research database. If the wildebeest begins tutting at split infinitives, they qualify for the accelerated citizenship pathway.
Can I take my wildebeest on holiday abroad?
International travel requires an Ungulate Passport (Form WB-107) and at least 6 months of language training in the destination country's tongue. Beach holidays are permitted. Skiing trips are prohibited. Under no circumstances should a wildebeest be taken to Pamplona.
I previously applied and was rejected. Can I reapply?
Yes. Previous applicants who were rejected on grounds of inadequate garden size, proximity to a Nando's, or describing their garden as 'spiritually adequate for a medium-to-large ungulate' may reapply after a 24-month cooling-off period. You must also provide a written undertaking to answer questions as asked.
The Department wishes to remind all applicants that the Additional Information field is not a creative writing exercise. It is for factual descriptions of grazing potential. Poetic descriptions of your garden's emotional character will be flagged.
What is the Serengeti Displacement Event?
This information is classified under the Official Secrets Act. What we can tell you is that the Event was 'significant,' that it occurred 'over a period of time,' and that the circumstances involved 'circumstances.' Programme Director Hilary Tomkinson has stated: 'We do not discuss the Displacement Event. What I will say is that everyone involved acted in accordance with the information available to them at the time, and that the information available was, in hindsight, not entirely adequate. Also, someone owes Tanzania an apology.'
Further details may become available in 2073 under the 50-year declassification protocol. In the meantime, post-Displacement integration protocols ensure that all wildebeest relocated since 2023 receive the full Cultural Integration Programme and a complimentary box of Jammie Dodgers.