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Government Wildebeest Urban and Suburban Relocation Programme

Bringing the Serengeti to your semi-detached

Beta This is a new service — your feedback will help us improve it. 2,847 wildebeest have been successfully integrated since we launched.

Performance and transparency data

The Department publishes operational data for the GWUSRP on a quarterly basis. This page contains the most recent figures. Figures are rounded, delayed, and, where the responsible officer is unavailable, reconstructed.

Service performance

Measure Figure
Applications received since launch 31,842
Applications withdrawn after reading the terms 9,417
Applications withdrawn at the tea question 6,203
Wildebeest successfully integrated 2,847
Hosts progressing to Phase 2 1,964
Hosts progressing to Phase 3 1,148
Hosts requesting that their wildebeest be collected 12
Hosts withdrawing that request 12
Host satisfaction 94%
Cost per successful integration £8,417, including biscuits
Jammie Dodger expenditure (financial year 2025 to 2026) £412,000

Satisfaction figures are collected at the end of each phase. The Department does not publish figures for hosts who did not complete the final phase.

Wait times

Service Advertised Actual
Wildebeest delivery 6 to 8 weeks 7.2 weeks
Delivery, where the application contained an error 3 to 5 years 3.9 years
Time for a wildebeest to leave the transport vehicle Up to 3 days 2.6 days
Tea Readiness Assessment 2 to 3 hours 2 to 3 hours
Response to written correspondence 28 working days 31 working days
Response to a second submission of written correspondence 28 working days Not recorded

The Tea Readiness Assessment figure is accurate to the minute, as the assessment is timed. The Department recommends allowing the full afternoon regardless. Wait times include weekends and bank holidays, except during Pointless, when all staff are watching.

The Department does not receive second submissions of written correspondence. Correspondence that may be a second submission is filed under the original. The original is then complete.

Complaints and concerns

Category Received Upheld
Noise (grunting) 3,847 1,941
Noise (silence following the grunting) 3,851 3,851
Furniture displacement 1,206 0
Channel 5 access 17 17
Unauthorised food delivery 1,933 1,933

Under Section 12B of the hosting agreement, furniture displacement is not damage. The sofa has been claimed; it has not been harmed.

All Channel 5 complaints were upheld. All 17 were reported by wildebeest. The Department has decided not to examine this further. The unauthorised food delivery figure includes the Nando’s incident of 2023. The Department does not publish the cost of the unauthorised food delivery figure.

Accent development

Reports are handled by the Accent Assessment Team, whose methods are described in the accent development guidance.

Measure Figure
Accents reported 412
Accents confirmed 37
Accents investigated and found to be enthusiasm 375
Neutral accent zones in operation 3
Assessors on extended leave 2

Data quality

Figures marked ‘provisional’ have not been verified. Figures marked ‘final’ have been verified twice. Figures marked ‘withdrawn’ relate to the third quarter of 2024.

Figures relating to the Serengeti Displacement Event are not available. The Department has never published a figure relating to the Event. The Department has never had a figure relating to the Event to publish. The Department is comfortable with this position.

The Department does not publish data on individual wildebeest. If you believe data about your wildebeest has been published, contact the GWUSRP. The Data Protection Officer is currently a wildebeest. The Department does not discuss the Data Protection Officer.

Published: 4 August 2026. The next update is due shortly. The Department does not publish the date of the next update, as it does not wish to raise expectations.

Give feedback

Thank you for your interest in providing feedback.

The GWUSRP feedback service is currently unavailable. This is because the team member responsible for processing feedback is presently dealing with a situation involving a Phase 3 wildebeest, a Waterstones membership card, and what the Cheltenham constabulary have described as ‘a disagreement about contemporary fiction.’ We are unable to provide further details at this time.

Your feedback is important to us. Please try again in 3 to 5 business years.

Service information