What meerkats observe
Meerkats assigned to the Meerkat Surveillance Programme are trained to observe and report on a range of residential activities. All observation is conducted in accordance with the Meerkat Surveillance Charter (2024) and the Wildlife Surveillance Act 2024.
What meerkats are trained to observe
Meerkats are trained to observe and report on:
- Suspicious activity (as defined by the Meerkat Deployment Board's field manual, which is not available to the public)
- Unusual vehicle movements, including vehicles that arrive and depart at irregular hours, vehicles that circle the block more than twice, and any vehicle described by the meerkat as “interesting”
- Deliveries at irregular hours
- Visitors who stay longer than expected
- Visitors who stay shorter than expected (this is considered “interesting” and is flagged in reports with a designation the Board has declined to explain)
- Changes to your garden, including but not limited to new garden furniture, new fences, modifications to sheds, and the sudden appearance or disappearance of garden gnomes (gnome-related activity is a separate reporting category following an incident in Dewsbury that the Department has formally classified as “ongoing”)
What meerkats do not observe
Meerkats do not observe:
- Anything inside your home (protected under the Meerkat Surveillance Charter, Section 4, commonly known as “The Curtains Clause”)
- Bathroom windows (explicitly protected under the Charter, Section 4, Subsection B, “Provisions Relating to Privacy and Dignity”)
- Anything occurring between 11pm and 6am (meerkats require rest and, per the Charter, “should not be expected to monitor British nightlife, which they find distressing”)
You will not see the reports. The reports are not for you. The reports are for Britain. You're welcome.
How reports are filed
Meerkats file reports via the Meerkat Intelligence Relay, a system whose operational details the Department is unable to describe. The Board has confirmed that the Relay exists, that it works, and that describing it further would “compromise operational effectiveness and possibly alarm the meerkats.”
Reports are reviewed by a Meerkat Handler and, if necessary, forwarded to the relevant authority. “Relevant authority” is defined on a case-by-case basis and has, on two occasions, been a parish council.