Frequently asked questions

No. The Curtains Clause (Meerkat Surveillance Charter, Section 4) explicitly prohibits meerkats from observing anything inside your home. Meerkats are trained to respect curtain boundaries. A meerkat that violates the Curtains Clause is immediately withdrawn and reassigned to administrative duties at the Board's headquarters in Nuneaton.

Cats and meerkats operate under an informal non-aggression pact that predates the programme. Your cat and the assigned meerkat will typically ignore one another. Exceptions have been noted for particularly ambitious cats. If your cat is what the Board terms “strategically motivated,” a brief adjustment period may be required.

Meerkats do not go missing. They “redeploy.” If you cannot locate your assigned meerkat, it has likely identified something worth investigating and has pursued it in accordance with its training. Do not follow the meerkat. Do not call the meerkat's name. The meerkat will return when its investigation is complete or when it gets hungry, whichever comes first.

Yes. You must complete form MSP-7b, available from the Meerkat Deployment Board. Your current meerkat will be informed of your request. The Board wishes to make clear that it takes no position on the interpersonal dynamics this may create between you and your assigned meerkat, but notes that meerkats have long memories and excellent filing systems.

Yes. The programme operates under the Wildlife Surveillance Act 2024, Section 12, “Provisions Relating to Small Mammals of Vigilant Disposition.” The Act was passed with cross-party support, although the Hansard record shows that one MP asked whether “vigilant disposition” could also apply to hamsters and was told it could not.

Meerkats are provided with government-issue thermal vests. Surveillance continues year-round. The vests are sourced from a supplier in Dewsbury and are, according to the Board's procurement records, “adequate.” Meerkats have not been consulted on this assessment but appear to tolerate the vests with what handlers describe as “quiet resignation.”

The Department does not comment on operational security matters. We would, however, remind you that attempting to bribe a government meerkat is an offence under the Wildlife Surveillance Act 2024, Section 18, “Interference with a Surveillance Operative of Small Mammalian Origin.” Convictions carry a fine of up to £2,500 and a mandatory presentation to the Meerkat Oversight Board, which previous offenders have described as “deeply uncomfortable.”

Reports are stored securely for 25 years. After 25 years, they are reviewed by a senior Meerkat Handler. If the reports are deemed “still interesting,” storage is extended for a further 25 years. If the reports are deemed “no longer interesting,” they are archived at the National Records Office in Kew. The Board has confirmed that no report has ever been deemed “no longer interesting.”

No. Meerkats on separate assignments must maintain professional distance at all times. The Rotherham Incident (2024) involved two meerkats who “became distracted” during a joint surveillance exercise and were subsequently found 400 metres from their designated posts, appearing to socialise. Both were reprimanded. One was reassigned. The other was given a formal warning and what the Board describes as “a conversation about professionalism.”

If the meerkat is on your fence post, it is observing you. If the meerkat is in your garden, it is observing you. If the meerkat is on your neighbour's fence post, it is observing your neighbour but is also aware of you. If you cannot see the meerkat, it is almost certainly still observing you. The Board recommends that residents do not spend too much time thinking about this.

Properties assessed as “moderately suspicious” may receive up to 4 meerkats. Properties assessed as “extremely boring” may receive a single meerkat who has been flagged as “needing the practice.” The Board wishes to clarify that “extremely boring” is not a criticism of your property but rather a reflection of its surveillance training value.