Accent severity scale
The Department uses a five-level scale to classify wildebeest accent development. Each level corresponds to a required response. If you are unsure which level applies, report it and the Accent Assessment Team will assess.
Level 1: Mild
| Description | Occasional regional inflection. The wildebeest’s grunting has a quality that you would not describe as “wrong,” but that you would describe as “not right.” |
|---|---|
| Example | Wildebeest grunts with what might be a Birmingham lilt. |
| Action required | Monitor for 14 days. |
The Department recommends keeping a diary. Do not tell the wildebeest about the diary.
Level 2: Moderate
| Description | Consistent regional pattern. The accent is no longer occasional. It has settled into something identifiable, even if you cannot quite place it. |
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| Example | Wildebeest appears to have a definable accent. |
| Action required | Report within 48 hours. |
You may have noticed the accent for some time before reporting. The Department understands. It is difficult to accept.
Level 3: Strong
| Description | Accent unmistakable, behavioural changes. The wildebeest has not only adopted a regional vocal pattern but has begun to act like someone from that region. |
|---|---|
| Example | Wildebeest refuses to graze unless offered a cup of tea; has developed opinions about the M6. |
| Action required | Report immediately. |
Do not make eye contact during reporting. The wildebeest may interpret sustained eye contact as encouragement.
Level 4: Critical
| Description | Dialect words, local customs adopted. The wildebeest has moved beyond accent into dialect and lifestyle. It is no longer mimicking a region. It is participating in one. |
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| Example | Wildebeest says “ow am yer” to a neighbour; was seen ordering a pint in a Dewsbury pub. |
| Action required | Evacuate the garden. |
The wildebeest is not dangerous. The wildebeest is, however, committed. This is worse.
Level 5: Uncharted
| Description | The Accent Assessment Team has provisionally defined a Level 5, describing it as “a wildebeest that has not only adopted a regional accent but has begun to influence the accents of those around it.” |
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| Example | There has been one suspected Level 5, in Nuneaton, but the Assessment Team could not confirm it because “everyone in the street sounded the same and it was no longer clear who was the wildebeest.” |
| Action required | The Department has not yet defined an official response protocol for Level 5. The Assessment Team has requested additional funding. The Department has requested additional time. |
Level 5 is theoretical. The Department wishes to stress this. The Nuneaton incident is classified as “inconclusive.” The residents of the street in question have been offered counselling and a complimentary pronunciation guide.