Notable accent development incidents
The following case studies are drawn from the Accent Assessment Team’s records. Names and identifying details have been withheld. Places have not.
The Bracknell Incident (2023)
A wildebeest in Bracknell developed a pronounced Home Counties accent and began correcting its host’s grammar during dinner. The host described the experience as “like living with a very tall elocution teacher who also eats the lawn.”
The wildebeest was relocated to a neutral accent zone in Lincolnshire. It has since developed what the Assessment Team describes as “a faint Lincolnshire undertone,” which they consider “concerning but manageable.”
Classified: Level 3, subsequently downgraded to Level 2 following relocation.
The Swansea Case (2024)
A wildebeest in Swansea began responding to Welsh-language television. Investigation revealed it had been watching S4C through the living room window. The host had not noticed the wildebeest watching television through the window for approximately 3 weeks. When asked why they had not reported it, the host said “it seemed rude to interrupt.”
The wildebeest was not bilingual but “was giving it a good go.”
Classified: Level 2. The Assessment Team has recommended the host close their curtains.
The Geordie Wildebeest (ongoing)
A wildebeest in Gateshead has developed what the Accent Assessment Team describes as “an unsettlingly convincing Geordie.” The Assessment Team has visited 4 times. Each time, the wildebeest greets them with what the Team describes as “an unsettlingly convincing Geordie.”
The host has stopped reporting it because “at this point, it’s just how he talks.” The Assessment Team has classified this as Level 3 but has not recommended action because “it’s actually quite good.”
Classified: Level 3. Under annual review. The host has been asked to resume reporting.
The Nuneaton Three (2024)
Three wildebeest in adjacent gardens in Nuneaton developed identical Nuneaton accents simultaneously. Investigation concluded they had been “influencing each other.”
All three were separated and placed in accent-neutral accommodation in different counties. Two have since developed new accents. The third has maintained its Nuneaton accent with what the Assessment Team describes as “stubbornness.”
Classified: Level 3 (collective). The Assessment Team has expressed concern about “group dynamics.”
The Kettering Correction Attempt (2024)
A host in Kettering attempted to teach their wildebeest to speak “properly” using YouTube videos and a set of flashcards. The wildebeest now has a hybrid Kettering-RP accent that the Assessment Team have described as “genuinely disturbing — it sounds like a newsreader who has been possessed by a market trader.”
The Department wishes to remind all hosts that accent correction must be carried out by trained professionals. The Kettering host has been spoken to.
Classified: Level 4. The wildebeest has been relocated. The flashcards have been destroyed.
The Rotherham Pub Quiz (2023)
A Level 4 was missed by the Accent Assessment Team. The wildebeest joined a pub quiz team in Rotherham. It came second. The team’s score was described as “competitive.”
The Department considers this a failure of oversight. The pub has not invited the wildebeest back, which the Department describes as “regrettable but understandable.” The quiz team has not been penalised, as they were “unaware of the wildebeest’s status and, in fairness, it did know a lot about geography.”
Classified: Level 4 (retrospective). The Assessment Team has revised its monitoring procedures.
You are not qualified to determine whether an accent is genuine. If in doubt, report it. The Accent Assessment Team would rather investigate 100 false alarms than miss another pub quiz.