How to report suspicious accent development
When to report
| Severity level | Reporting timeframe |
|---|---|
| Level 1: Mild | Monitor for 14 days. Report if it persists or worsens. |
| Level 2: Moderate | Within 48 hours. |
| Level 3: Strong | Immediately. |
| Level 4: Critical | You should already be evacuating. |
Contact the Accent Assessment Team
Phone
0800 111 9453
Open 24 hours, except during Pointless, when all staff are watching.
Responses within 5 working days. Do not attach audio recordings larger than 25MB. The Department’s inbox has feelings.
Post
Accent Assessment Team
Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Wildebeest
PO Box 4472
Nuneaton
CV11 4WB
In person
Nuneaton office, Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm.
Please do not bring the wildebeest. The Assessment Team will come to you.
What to include in your report
Your report should contain the following information:
- Your name and GWUSRP reference number
- The wildebeest’s government designation
- When you first noticed the accent
- Which region you believe the accent resembles (if you are unsure, say so — the Team will assess)
- Any behavioural changes accompanying the accent
- Whether the wildebeest appears to be aware of the accent (this is a significant escalation indicator)
Recordings
If possible, include a recording of the wildebeest’s vocalisations. Hold your phone near the wildebeest. Do not explain what you are doing. The wildebeest may alter its behaviour if it knows it is being recorded. This is not a precaution the Department takes with humans, and it is not one it enjoys taking with wildebeest.
What happens after you report
The Accent Assessment Team will review your report and, if necessary, dispatch an assessor.
| Severity level | Response time |
|---|---|
| Level 1–2 | Assessment Team dispatched within 72 hours |
| Level 3+ | Assessment Team dispatched within 24 hours |
The assessor will visit your property, observe the wildebeest, and classify the severity. They will provide guidance on next steps, which may include monitoring, relocation, or “intensive linguistic normalisation,” which the Department declines to define.