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Government Wildebeest Urban and Suburban Relocation Programme

Bringing the Serengeti to your semi-detached

Beta This is a new service — your feedback will help us improve it. 2,847 wildebeest have been successfully integrated since we launched.

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How do you prepare tea?

Tea preparation method *

This will be verified during your practical assessment.

Select your tea preparation method

Selecting this option will flag your application for mandatory review by the Department for Cultural Standards. You may be required to attend a supplementary tea brewing assessment at your own expense.

Under Section 4 of the Cultural Standards Act, microwave tea preparation constitutes an aggravating factor. Your application will be escalated to the Senior Integration Review Panel. A home visit from the Tea Standards Enforcement Officer is mandatory and will not be announced in advance. Programme Director Hilary Tomkinson has described microwave tea as 'the single greatest threat to the programme's objectives, and frankly to civilisation itself.' Previous applicants who selected this option have been visited by the Enforcement Officer, the Integration Officer, and in one case in Kettering, a wildebeest who refused to leave until a proper pot of tea was produced.

Give feedback

Thank you for your interest in providing feedback.

The GWUSRP feedback service is currently unavailable. This is because the team member responsible for processing feedback is presently dealing with a situation involving a Phase 3 wildebeest, a Waterstones membership card, and what the Cheltenham constabulary have described as ‘a disagreement about contemporary fiction.’ We are unable to provide further details at this time.

Your feedback is important to us. Please try again in 3 to 5 business years.