Companion Systems

dog

The classic experience.

From £349.

4 legs Selective audio 42 teeth 3-room range Standard coat 1.5 meals/day 4 legs Selective audio 42 teeth 3-room range Standard coat 1.5 meals/day

Overview

The dog you already know.

Four legs. Standard coat. The conventional configuration.

The dog is the standard Companion Systems product. It is a dog. It has four legs, which is the number of legs that dogs have. It has a coat, which is the covering that dogs have. It has 42 teeth, which is the number of teeth that dogs have. It walks around your home, because that is what dogs do.

It does these things at a volume, a speed, and a frequency that it selects. You do not select these things. The dog selects these things. This is not a design choice. This is the nature of the product. We considered offering a configuration interface. The dog does not support a configuration interface. The dog operates autonomously. We do not know what “autonomously” means in this context. The dog does.

The dog eats 1.5 meals per day. Not one. Not two. One point five. We have been asked to explain the half. We cannot. The dog eats when it selects to eat, and the total daily intake averages to 1.5 meals. We measured this over six months. We trust the number. We do not understand the number.

Engineering

Inside dog.

Five systems. Each one retained because removing it would require restructuring the dog’s entire motivational system, and we are not confident we could put it back together.

Four legs.

The traditional configuration.

Two front, two rear. Stable locomotion across flat surfaces, carpets, and the transition between them — the last of these being more challenging than it sounds. Enables navigation between up to three connected rooms before the dog selects a resting position and commits to it.

3-room mobility.

Covers the essentials.

Selects up to three connected rooms and navigates between them. The selection criteria are not documented. We have observed patterns that suggest the dog favours rooms with natural light, rooms where food is prepared, and rooms where someone is sitting down. We have also observed patterns that contradict these findings.

Standard coat.

The coat that comes with it.

Sheds at a rate described as normal for a dog. The shedding is distributed across your clothing, furniture, and carpet with a consistency that suggests planning. Requires occasional brushing. The dog has opinions about the brushing.

42 teeth.

The full complement.

Standard dental configuration, including the four carnassial teeth responsible for the single most expensive routine dental procedure in UK veterinary practice.

Selective audio.

Barks when it decides to.

A proprietary threat-assessment algorithm evaluates stimuli including size, speed, novelty, and an additional factor we have been unable to identify after extensive observation.

By the numbers

Dog, in detail.

Legs

Teeth

Room range

1.5

Meals/day

~£340

Annual food cost

2yr

Warranty

Unboxing

What’s in the box.

dog (1x)

One standard dog. Four legs, standard coat, 42 teeth, and an autonomous operating system that you do not configure.

Standard food bowl

A basic bowl suitable for 1.5 meals per day. The dog will eat from it when it decides to.

Welcome leaflet

Covers feeding, expected behaviours, and how to tell whether the dog has selected your kitchen as one of its three operational rooms.

Not included

Collar, leash, premium food bowl, tennis ball, loyalty, and loyalty certificate. The dog does not know these exist and will not ask for them. Available separately from the Accessories page.

Technical specifications

Full specs.

PriceFrom £349

ArchitectureQuadrupedal (4 legs)

Mobility3-room range

Maximum range3 connected rooms

Audio outputSelective (non-configurable)

Dental configuration42 teeth (standard)

Carnassial teeth4 (standard)

Daily meals1.5

Annual food cost (estimated)~£340

Olfactory rangeStandard (full)

CoatStandard (variable shedding)

TailIncluded

LoyaltyOptional add-on (£79.99)

Walks required1 per day (recommended)

Vet visits (estimated annual)1–2 (routine + dental)

Hip dysplasia riskPresent (2 hips)

CompatibilityIndoor environments, 3+ rooms

In the boxdog, basic food bowl, welcome leaflet

Warranty2 years standard

Reviews

What dog owners say.

★★★★☆

“The dog is fine. It is a dog. It does dog things. It walks around. It lies down. It gets up and walks around again. Sometimes it sits in the kitchen and stares at me while I cook, which is either companionship or a request for food, and I have never been able to determine which. It barked at the delivery driver last Tuesday and then did not bark at the delivery driver on Thursday, which suggests the barking is discretionary. I wish I understood the criteria.”

P.W., Nuneaton — dog, 11 months

★★★★★

“The dog completed a circuit of my kitchen at 3:14am on Wednesday. It then repeated the circuit. It then repeated the circuit a third time. It then lay down on the kitchen floor and went to sleep. I was awake for all three circuits. I do not know what prompted them. The dog does not appear to know either. We have reached a mutual understanding that some things are beyond explanation. I am giving this five stars because the dog has not done it again and I choose to believe this is because it learned something.”

P.W., Nuneaton — dog, 11 months (follow-up review)

★★★★☆

“I bought the standard dog because I wanted a dog that moved around but not one that moved around with any particular purpose. This is exactly what I received. The dog enters a room, pauses, and then leaves. It does this several times a day. I do not know why. I have stopped asking. The dog is doing its best and so am I.”

M.R., Kettering — dog, 5 months

Order

Get your dog.

From £349. Available Q3 2027. Free delivery within mainland UK. Additional charge for Scottish Highlands, Northern Ireland, and anywhere requiring a ferry.

Order dog — £349 Compare models

The new dog is a living animal and is not a consumer electronic. Companion Systems Ltd is registered in England and Wales. Part of joel2.com.

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