Careers
Benefits.
What you get, what the dog gets, and what nobody has told the dog.
28 days’ holiday
Plus bank holidays. The bank holidays are the bank’s. The 28 days are yours. The dog does not take holidays. The dog is the dog’s own business.
A dog
Every employee receives a dog, delivered on day one. The dog is yours. The dog’s loyalty is available as an accessory. Employees receive the loyalty at the standard rate. We considered a discount. The dog declined.
The dog’s dog
Employees with dogs may receive a second dog. The second dog is the first dog’s dog. We are not sure what this means. The dog is not sure either. We have stopped asking the dog. The second dog has not asked us anything. The second dog is new.
Bring your dog to work
There is one desk. The desk is yours if you arrive first. The dog does not arrive. The dog is already there. We recommend you do not sit on the dog. The dog has a desk. The dog has always had the desk. The desk was the dog’s before it was ours. We do not discuss this with the dog.
The Good Boy scheme
Every quarter, the company recognises one employee with the Good Boy award: a certificate, and the words ‘good boy’, said once, by Graham, in a professional manner. The award does not include treats or toys. We are aware that the award is also available to dogs. The dogs have not won it. The dogs are not eligible. We have not told the dogs.
Pension
We will match your pension contributions up to 5%. The match is made in dogs. We are not sure this is legal. We have not asked the carpet shop. The carpet shop knows. The carpet shop has never mentioned it. This is why the relationship is good.
Sick leave
We offer statutory sick leave. We also offer dog sick leave: time off to attend to your dog. Your dog is entitled to the same. Your dog does not know this. We recommend you do not tell your dog.
The kettle
The kettle is in the room next door. You may use the kettle. The kettle is why the room exists. We do not say this enough. We are saying it now.
The stairwell
The stairwell is between the carpet shop and the office. The stairwell is neutral territory. You may use the stairwell to think, to make calls, or to wait for the dog to look at you. The dog decides when the looking happens. We have never overruled the dog. We have never needed to.
Benefits are subject to the dog. The dog is subject to no one. View open roles →