the new dog.

“I wasn’t sure about buying a dog online. The website felt very polished. Too polished. Then it arrived and it was just a dog. A small, two-legged dog that sat in the corner of my kitchen and looked at me. I have had it for four months. It has not moved from the kitchen. I have grown accustomed to its presence. I think it has grown accustomed to mine. We do not communicate. We coexist. This is exactly what the website promised.”

“I bought the standard dog for my children. The dog barked at the postman on the first day and then did not bark at the postman for the next eleven days. On the twelfth day it barked at a bin bag. My children asked me why the dog barked at the bin bag and not the postman. I did not have an answer. I called Companion Systems. They did not have an answer either. They said the dog operates autonomously and that its barking decisions are not configurable. I have accepted this. My children have not. They are conducting their own research. They are nine and seven. Their methodology is questionable but their dedication is not.”

“I purchased dog Pro because I work from home and I wanted a dog that would take the role seriously. The dog Pro takes the role extremely seriously. It has established a patrol route between my desk and the kitchen. It inspects every delivery. It has barked at exactly one thing in six weeks: the hoover, which it regards as an intruder of a different species. It has not barked at the postman, the scaffolding, or the man who came to read the meter, all of whom I believe it has classified as staff. The dog Pro has promoted itself. I did not approve this. I have decided not to raise it with the dog.”